Alex,

It's your body here, how's it goin'? Gees, have we lost touch since puberty. Haha, those were the days huh?

Err listen, I know you 're totally rocking out the whole "young adult" lifestyle thing; but me and the guys were just having a chat the other day, and thought perhaps we'd fill you in with what's been going on, and maybe take a look-see of how things are going for ya.

First off, thanks for that month-long couch marathon man. I never knew the bed disagreed with you so much; I guess awkwardly angled sleep positions must be what the hip kids are into these days. That sore back you had this morning? The Spine's personal return-gift to you bro. That guy is such a riot; weren't those tightly clenched shoulders a genius touch?

I hope you are going to send in more crisps and cookies soon, coz boy am I feeling tired. Sleeping for 13 hours can't possibly be enough, maybe that's why you feel so light headed and out of focus all the time. Msg, nicotine, sugar, sodium, & caffeine should fix that little problem though. Don't even bother with vege-ta-ble-s and fru-u-it-s, these foreign foodstuffs are no longer recognizable in Brain's memory database, on account on them having been absent in your diet for so long.

We just recieved those energy drinks and chocolate meals you've been sending down, thuuumbs up! The constant load's gotten the Intestines a little tied up though, so we'll be letting it pass out more or less the same way as it had came in. I hope you like the runs! And don't worry about the burn, it 'd only last for a day or two.

The Eyes told us that your exams are coming up in two weeks. Don't worry about it, we have already made preparations. The exams? With these preps, we'll be tearing that shit up.

We have the forehead pimples and cold sweats on hand, in bulk. We thought you might like to look tired AND ugly, because why have one without the other right? And, though lookin' like a trainwreck is important, there are other things on our minds too. Since the exam period is sooo boring, we'll be altering time perception for you. So when study break starts, your first exam will seem months away, and 2 days prior to the exams, we'll fast forward it so that you wouldn't have to wait too long.

You're welcome. =)

Phew, I'm really building up a sweat typing all this out! Haven't had such a strenous exercise session in a looong time. Since you are already aging prematurely from smoking too much, you can't afford to burn yourself out. Let's spend the next 2 days vegetating in front of the teley to restore our strength. We wouldn't want to ruin our work in progress now would we? 600lbs lumpy physique, we're on our way!

Ooh, and before I forget; apologiiies about last Saturday man. The Stomach kinda misinterpreted those beer chugging sessions as projectile vomiting commands. At least you totally impressed that cute boy in your Geography class right?

Well, that about wraps it up. I hope to hear from you, and if those things I ve mentioned haven't arrived yet, don't sweat it. They will soon.
Again, thanks for giving up on life and do try to maintain your shitty as lifestyle!
Love much?

Your Body.

Unless one was to have detached themselves from society, or happened to for whatever reason, be living in a hole in Antarctica; one would most likely to have been made aware of Twilight.

In magazines, on cinema screens,  in conversations, on the internet; nobody is safe. Twilight have turned from a seemingly harmless novel to something that can only be described as a malignant growth.

For those of you lucky few that have not heard of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series, the books are told through the eyes of a teenaged girl, Bella Swan. In a nutshell; she moves to a small town due to family commitments, is suddenly popularish, meets and falls in love with this perfect boy, Edward. And the twist? He is a vampire. Gasp*


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At the start of the book, Bella is described as a plain and ordinary girl, of whom noone ever payed attention to back in her home town Phoenix, but when she arrives at Fork's it seems nobody can get enough of her. Which can only mean one of two things. Girl's in fork's must have no hair and ten arms or the boys in this town must have some serious eye problems.

Then for the next part which makes up almost the entire book, we learn about Edward and his family's shady secret of being vampires, and despite that, his and Bella's love for each other over comes all.

But there is something shallow and pathetic about this so described "unconditional love". It's not romanctic, it's not passionate, it's not love. It's selfish idiocy at best.

Let's break this down: Bella as a character is insufferable. She has no ambitions, no dreams, no goals, nothing. Her whole life; her whole reason for living is tied in by her boyfriend. She is willing to throw away her family and friends because she wants nothing else besides being with Edward whom she've only known for a couple of weeks. And to top it off, she's also mind numbingly boring, the sort which makes you fall asleep while she talks. She constantly goes on AND ON about how Edward is perfect at everything and how he's so gorgeous and she is so unworthy of him, how he's strong and how he protects her. In fact, she never gave any reasons for liking him other than how totally hawt he is, but I guess that's only fair because Edward never gave any reasons for liking her other than her smelling so darn good. The romance between them is forced and trite. And it's not helped that they both have no traces of personality what so ever. There is no development of feelings, the love they seem to have for each other just happened.


Now, Edward. What can I say about Edward? He is dipicted as the perfect male protagonist - smart, rich, selfless, mysterious, dangerous - perfect AND sparkly. HawtmaXx !!!


He's also bipolar. He's serious at one time, then laughs exuberantly another. And he has this stalkerish behaviour, which is sick. He sneaks into bella's room and watches her sleep before they even get to talk. He eavesdrops on her friends' thoughts to find out what they talk about, he follows her whenever she leaves her house - that doesn't strike me as romantic nor sweet, it's creepy.

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Granted, most authors reinvent vampire legends for their works but Meyer have really topped this one. Is Edward evil? No, because vampires can live on animal blood. Crosses, garlic, silver? Nope. Ok, the ultimate; Sunlight? NAH - it only makes them glittery and pwrettiiie like diamonds.

So basically, Edward isn't a vampire at all. He's just some sort of superhuman character with no fucking flaws, who lives forever, has superstrength and feeds off animal blood. No apparent weaknesses, only godlike existence.

Spendid.

Another thing that cannot be commended on. The writing mechanics make me question whether Meyer has yet to graduate high school. Her writing makes JK Rowling look like a Pulitzer Prize winner. Her words are stilted, the narration is unexicting, dragging and redundant. Most of her words are plain and simple to digest; but for whatever reason, Meyer also occassionally uses ridiculously long AND obsure words, like Ostentacious. She could've simply used "pretencious" or "flamboyant", but it just had to be ostentatious; which do not fit with her otherwise easy and direct writing.

And the progression of the story is senseless. 90% of the book is just insane jibber jabberings of a highschool girl's obsession for her boyfriend and then Meyer gets within the last handful of pages in the book and it hits her "FUCK! I NEED DRAMA!" and throws in a random vampire fight. She then skips the part which should be the climatic blast of the otherwise mindnumbing plot, and elaborates on the prom. Then the book ends.

Though the grammar and syntax are unforvinably bad, the plot is onion skinned and the characters are uniformly uninspiring and dull - I was hooked. I couldn't seem to be able to put the book down!

I'm afraid to say, the sequels to the series don't get much better than the first book.
- New Moon, where Edward and his Family leaves for Bella's sake and during her whiny melodrama over losing Edward, enters Jacob whom she quickly grew fond of, oh, and he also happens to be a exotic tribal werewolf hero. Then Bella jumps off a cliff for fun but Edward mistakes this as a suicide attempt and goes all emo. Bella and Alice goes to Italy where Edward has gone to challenge the Volturi to kill him since he thought Bella was dead; after Edward was saved, he and Bella picks up just where they left off.

- Eclipse, natural enemies, Werewolves and Vampires are brought together in union against Victoria who wants to torture and kill Bella to avenge for her mate, James (that's the vampire they killed in the first book). Victoria and her vampire army is defeated. Bella then realises that she is also in love with Jacob and makes everything more complicated than they should be by letting Jacob know. Then she and Edward breaks Jacob's heart by getting married. Too bad, so sad.
The eclipse is probably the book I enjoyed most from the series. Though, like the rest of the books, there s almost zero climax, in this book, the usually boring middle goes into some made up vampire war history, new born vampire bloodlust, which were entertaining to read, and I finally found my favourite character in the series. Jasper <3

- Breaking Dawn, Bella and Edward goes on their honeymoon, and stud muffin Edward manages to get Bella preggars. Despite him wanting to get rid of the parasite that is his own baby, Queen Bella, being the selfish arrogant bitch that she is, doesn't allow it and keeps the baby. Obviously, since nobody knows what monster the baby could be, the werewolves are on her heels, which forces poor Jacob to leave his pack to protect Bella. Then when the baby, Renesmee, is born, Jacob realises that it was not Bella whom he loved, but in fact the infant. Bella, dies momentarily during the delivery of the baby but is revived as she was turned into a vampire. All is well until the Volturi comes to Forks' using the baby as an excuse, but REALLY just wanting Alice's powers for themselves. And finally Bella proves to be useful when she uses her seemingly pathetic sheilding powers to prevent what would be an epic climatic vampire war. And here, the fairy tale ends, with the now supermodelsqiue Bella happily married with Edward and Jacob, finally content with being Bella's son in law.



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Frankly, i'm mystified at its popularity. if nothing else, i guess it goes to show what clever marketing and stories of wish-fulfillment and so-called 'forbidden love' can do to some women. it's made meyer a multi-millionaire, i'm sure, and turned her publisher into a cash cow. i don't begrudge anyone on his or her success, but when it comes via a turd like 'twilight,' it's well, more than a tad saddening.